Have you ever made a mistake, one you know you will regret all your life even before u made it but then went ahead and followed your heart anyway? Those are the mistakes.. I am talking about, the ones, which haunt you time and again, the ones that suddenly come back in flashes and leave you feeling queasy.
I have made those mistakes, like anyone else, for those few moments of joy, for those few moments of triumph; I have scarified my soul – time and again. It could be so many, many thing, small thing, big thing, great tings, but the point is, the minute you so something, you would hypocritically point as ‘wrong’ if someone else did and then go ahead and unflinchingly do the same yourself, you have lost. Lost as a person, as thinking being.
My point now, is not about those mistakes, it’s about moving ahead. I cheated on a math paper in grade 4. I was always a good student, but could never ever come first in class, no matter how hard I worked or tried, while I consistently delivered a second-third rank, the first was elusive – always. During my second mid-term test, I made an incredibly silly mistake in my paper, one which cost me (yet again) that first rank, while the teacher wasn’t looking, I quickly changed the answer (we wrote in pencil those days) and demanded more marks as I had done the sum right, she wordlessly awarded me the extra 3 marks and I came first that exam – for the first and last time of my life. Noone ever found out, and yet everytime I saw that teacher, I always felt there was something in her eyes, which said – cheater, cheater. It wasn’t just the math exam that day, the incident triggered a life-long aversion towards the subject, one which cost my dearly during my board exams in the 12th.
I’m not sounding like a martyr or a morally policed person (believe me I am not) but the feeling of shame, which wells up inside you, is terrible. Cheating on an exam is a small instance; there have been many more, much more serious. A multitude of times, I have done things, simply because I wanted to- things which fade away as time passes, but one day when u least expect comes back to you with so much force and vigor, that you curse yourself for ever believing that they were a distant memory.
Everytime, I see the people I have hurt in the past, being diplomatically polite to me, my stomach lurches, and yet, I understand that with one stupid act, I have broken bonds and trust which could have taken years to forge. Then I think of something a very special person once told me after a ‘weak moment’ – “One day it will come back and hit you so hard you won’t know what happened”. Oh I remember, what happened. Only remember too well!
I have made those mistakes, like anyone else, for those few moments of joy, for those few moments of triumph; I have scarified my soul – time and again. It could be so many, many thing, small thing, big thing, great tings, but the point is, the minute you so something, you would hypocritically point as ‘wrong’ if someone else did and then go ahead and unflinchingly do the same yourself, you have lost. Lost as a person, as thinking being.
My point now, is not about those mistakes, it’s about moving ahead. I cheated on a math paper in grade 4. I was always a good student, but could never ever come first in class, no matter how hard I worked or tried, while I consistently delivered a second-third rank, the first was elusive – always. During my second mid-term test, I made an incredibly silly mistake in my paper, one which cost me (yet again) that first rank, while the teacher wasn’t looking, I quickly changed the answer (we wrote in pencil those days) and demanded more marks as I had done the sum right, she wordlessly awarded me the extra 3 marks and I came first that exam – for the first and last time of my life. Noone ever found out, and yet everytime I saw that teacher, I always felt there was something in her eyes, which said – cheater, cheater. It wasn’t just the math exam that day, the incident triggered a life-long aversion towards the subject, one which cost my dearly during my board exams in the 12th.
I’m not sounding like a martyr or a morally policed person (believe me I am not) but the feeling of shame, which wells up inside you, is terrible. Cheating on an exam is a small instance; there have been many more, much more serious. A multitude of times, I have done things, simply because I wanted to- things which fade away as time passes, but one day when u least expect comes back to you with so much force and vigor, that you curse yourself for ever believing that they were a distant memory.
Everytime, I see the people I have hurt in the past, being diplomatically polite to me, my stomach lurches, and yet, I understand that with one stupid act, I have broken bonds and trust which could have taken years to forge. Then I think of something a very special person once told me after a ‘weak moment’ – “One day it will come back and hit you so hard you won’t know what happened”. Oh I remember, what happened. Only remember too well!
5 comments:
Awww you lil brat, you got extra 3 marks! Cheater-cock! :P Now that you have made the revelation, be at peace, this instant! I say!
hmmmm...
does this post touch the topic of adultery?
It's something we all go through
Life is like a journal...Credit and debit balance wd be eventually balance and nullify eachother at some point of time .... :)
Hey. Nice blog. Why Pigmy and Hippo? Now I am really curious about you. Good that we shall meet this Fall.
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