Mistakes.......

Have you ever made a mistake, one you know you will regret all your life even before u made it but then went ahead and followed your heart anyway? Those are the mistakes.. I am talking about, the ones, which haunt you time and again, the ones that suddenly come back in flashes and leave you feeling queasy.

I have made those mistakes, like anyone else, for those few moments of joy, for those few moments of triumph; I have scarified my soul – time and again. It could be so many, many thing, small thing, big thing, great tings, but the point is, the minute you so something, you would hypocritically point as ‘wrong’ if someone else did and then go ahead and unflinchingly do the same yourself, you have lost. Lost as a person, as thinking being.

My point now, is not about those mistakes, it’s about moving ahead. I cheated on a math paper in grade 4. I was always a good student, but could never ever come first in class, no matter how hard I worked or tried, while I consistently delivered a second-third rank, the first was elusive – always. During my second mid-term test, I made an incredibly silly mistake in my paper, one which cost me (yet again) that first rank, while the teacher wasn’t looking, I quickly changed the answer (we wrote in pencil those days) and demanded more marks as I had done the sum right, she wordlessly awarded me the extra 3 marks and I came first that exam – for the first and last time of my life. Noone ever found out, and yet everytime I saw that teacher, I always felt there was something in her eyes, which said – cheater, cheater. It wasn’t just the math exam that day, the incident triggered a life-long aversion towards the subject, one which cost my dearly during my board exams in the 12th.

I’m not sounding like a martyr or a morally policed person (believe me I am not) but the feeling of shame, which wells up inside you, is terrible. Cheating on an exam is a small instance; there have been many more, much more serious. A multitude of times, I have done things, simply because I wanted to- things which fade away as time passes, but one day when u least expect comes back to you with so much force and vigor, that you curse yourself for ever believing that they were a distant memory.

Everytime, I see the people I have hurt in the past, being diplomatically polite to me, my stomach lurches, and yet, I understand that with one stupid act, I have broken bonds and trust which could have taken years to forge. Then I think of something a very special person once told me after a ‘weak moment’ – “One day it will come back and hit you so hard you won’t know what happened”. Oh I remember, what happened. Only remember too well!

so it 08'!

2007 for all reasons has been one of the most eventful years of my life ... A lot changes, broken promises and unfulfilled desires. In a lot of ways I grew up more in 2007 alone than I had during the first 20 years of my life.

My father, who I always thought was one of the fittest and most able people around fell sick, I was shocked couldn’t react and probably still do not know how to. I guess I realised for the first time in my life that people age, that life aint perfect and that loosing a loved one could someday be a reality.

Relationships were crazy, moving out of college to another city and then moving back and then swapping jobs, I have met so many people – some of who have touched my life and some, who I just want to forget but well, 2007 was the year of people. People who I thought would stay with me till the day I die, left .. people who I wanted to run away from were my support. People who I think too much of, mean the worlds and people – were just being themselves.. unpredictable. This people include people like me – unpredictable, unstable and irrational.

The year of my first job, I finally woke up to reality. Both ins school and college, I have never really put in much effort, especially college, where I sailed through totally relying on the power of bullshit , I had time, I had freedom and I could still do well.. that was life!! No deadlines, no embarrassment and no bosses. I also learnt another thing, college politics is absolutely nothing compared to what you see at your workplace and there are only two ways to survive
1 – Bitch back as viciously as you can
2- Shup up, mind your business and pretend like people don’t exist
I tried a bit of both, think I am going to choose the latter though, it’s easier safer and that the end people just call you a ‘snob’, the former could lead to far more hazardous complications.

2007, the year of my goals- I finally decided to do something about my life. I need to move towards my dream, even if it means letting go for a cushy routine. 2007 is when I realized I could be stuck in a rut if I didn’t take the initiative to move and 2007 is when I started my journey towards my dream- education. I should soon be going to Graduate school to study and this will hopefully put me on a path towards professional nirvana.

Money! I discovered financial independence, of course even in school and college, I was always the type who never had to save, a lot of part-time jobs and the delightful ‘prize money’ earned form several cultures and quite a generous amount of pocket money, kept me quite happy but I finally began to understand what it is to make a good amount of it, enough to do what you want, buy what you want , money that is yours with noone to ask questions.,. well.. bliss.

Finally.. with 2008, I realize me turning another year older is just a matter of 4 months.. I will soon be 22! And 22 does not read young anymore. I can no longer do absurd things and pass it off as ‘cute’ , I can never be so sweetly immature again and tantrums won’t be laughed at. Children will start calling me aunty, I need to be a serious-faced responsible adult and people will now start looking at me as a ‘woman’. Its time I grow up!!