ATM - Arruvai Tamil Mokkai !!

Movie: Azhagiya Tamil Magan

Cast: Good Vijay, bad Vijay and dumb blonde’ Shriya

Rating: hahahahahahahahahaah – What’s that agagin ???

ATM stand for Arruvai Tamil Mokkai


My problem really is optimism. After having seen Saawariya and Om Shanti Om, I decided masala works best with a Tamil ‘mass’ hero. Besides, I had seen the worst, so why worry?

Unfortunately I was wrong (yet again!). Vijay’s two worst movies are easily Sivakasi and Sachin, Now for all those you have seen or even heard of these movies.. Extract the mokkai value of both these movies, multiply it by 20 and cube it.. You will get a ball-park figure on how “Kadi” Azhagiya Tamil Magan is !!

The highlight of the movie is definitely his punch line : Pinni pedal yeduthuduvain
(literally translated into : I will plait you and remove your pedal .. and no it does not make sense in the Tamil context either .. so don’t even bother!!! ) But then what the hell.. When have punch dialogues ever made sense? Also the chemistry or lack of it between Vijay and Shriya is worth a deko, especially for men who like to fantasize about women with perfect abs, loads of moolah and ‘kaarpu intact’ chasing them around.

My north Indian friend wanted to know what the hell the movie was named Azhagiya Tamil Magan” – which btw literally translated in “beautiful Tamil son” , when the protagonist Vijay is not by any standards known for his well.. eeerr inherent good looks!! I wait too.. Watching ( almost ) the entire movie .. For that one little clue!!
But naaahhh!!!

I should kick myself for calling Om Shanti Om unbelievable!! If OSO is unbelievable, then ATM is just ridiculous! Two Vijay’s .. one good and one bad ( obviously!!) .. The story is a two-liner… The good Vijay meets and falls in love with Shriya but then develops ESP where he can see the future and in his (ahem!) mind’s eye sees himself killing Shriya. Dejected and afraid, he leaves the city only to see a body double ( who despite being born and brought up in Bombay speaks flawless Tamil with local Chennai accent intact’ ) . It suddenly strikes him that the body double would be the person killing Shriya and hence begins to chase him while the Bad Vijay escapes and reaches Chennai where Shriya mistakes him for the good Vijay !( obviously!!) (Phew!)

In well true Vijay style, the good Vijay (who meets with an accident) runs away from the hospital only to come back to Chennai to rescue his lady-love from the bad Vijay! Well, the torture doesn’t stop there, Shriya (who is as dumb as she looks) has a knack of choosing the wrong Vijay over the right own, until she finally discovers who her true lover is while keeping her ‘kaarpu’ (chastity) as Saakshi (witness) … sigh!!! And we thought those movies went out of vogue in the 80’s…But no the climax doesn’t end there.. Shriya lying wounded in the hospital tells the bad Vijay about how she is not sad that her life is hanging in a balance but is happy that her “kaarpu’ ( sigh!!!!!! Leave the darn thing alone .. will you ) has been saved for her true love.. The bad Vijay who heard her moving Kaapu speech decides to turn over a new leaf while the lovers live happily ever after!

If the movie doesn’t sound bad enough, wait till you are assaulted by A.R Rahman’s music.. and insipid art-direction and third-rate animation!! Of course if you are the type who likes Shriya’s belly-button, well the director has definitely done a lot of justice to showcasing that, just wish he took as much trouble while canning the scenes.

On the whole, ATM is worth 120 rupees of the ticket , if you watching in INOX since the seats are comfortable, but don’t attempt buying the flavorless popcorn for Rs. 40, because the movie is definitely not a cent more!!

P.S I just gave Om Shati Om , four stars after watching ATM

Oh Shitty Oh!!

Review: Om Shanti Om

Cast: Shah Rukh Kahn, Deepika Padukone, Shreyas Talpade and everyone who is anyone in Bollywood except ice-princess Aishwarya Rai

Rediff / Sify rating: ****

My rating: * ( barely!)

With more masala than 5 Vijay movies put together, more unbelievable than Rajini’s stunts and a script slimmer than Shilpa Shetty’s waist, the optimist that I am .. I still find five reasons to watch the movie!

5. The Deewanagi song, it’s a visual treat to see all the stars grace the screen together in one frame.

4. Shreyas Talpade!! Sigh!! Now only if he weren’t married!! Superlative performance
( as usual)

3. This is for the men !! Deepika’s legs
She shows a lot of them .. No matter what she wears, you can see them in every second frame !! Don’t expect her acting to be on the same caliber of the legs though! You will be sorely disappointed. Also look out for the song where she romances yesteryear’s stars in a very bad VFX job .. you can totally make out the super-imposition using After Effects & Shake ( yes !! I am showing off here ) but fun nonetheless…

2. So that you can stare in awe at how SRK invested 40 crores of his money in such shit!! And actually expects to make a profit over and above this!! Hahahaha

1. So that we South-Indians will make a fitting reply to anyone who ever dares make fun of a Rajini movie !!


So what exactly was Farah Khan thinking? She supposedly penned the script on Andrew Loyd Webber’s letterhead when she on a holiday . I can see why! The entire script won’t take more than half a letterhead and definitely had to be written when one was high!!

Watching Om Shanti Om, you can actually count the good moments!!
The movie opens up with a extremely plastic, artificial looking film set of Shubash Ghai’s Karz and yes it’s a delight to watch Rishi Kapoor roller-blading to the yesteryear hit tune of Om Shanti Om, in true filmi ishtyle… the Rishi Kapoor metamorphs into SRK himself … and well the dream is cut short … very nice for an introduction scene, but when the entire first half is stretched on a smilar note, you tend to get irritated. Very irritated!!!

Om Prakash Makeja ( Shah Rukh) is a small-time film extra who is insanely in love with super-star , dreamy girl ( good one that !! ) Shantipriya (Deepika padukone) . He is her biggest fan and would without batting an eyelash give up his life for her (yes yes, how original I say !) which predictably Deepika overhears and she hence develops a soft spot for Om. A few rendezvous and a magical date( literally, with much snow and some good special effects ) later, Om to his shock and surprise find out that Deepika is actually married to the rich, ruthless Mukesh ( Arjun Rampal … Oh so hooooooooooottt!!! )… Did actually expect the big star to be in love with him, after a few hi-byes??? Arjun doesn’t want to acknowledge his marriage to her, because he feels her market as a heroine will suffer a downfall! (even more creative this one !! ) Despite being a big star . Deepika still hold the traditional values of Sindhoor ( Yaaaawnn ! ) in high esteem and she forces Arjun to marry her, because she is (Gasp!) carrying his child !!

A furious Arjun tricks her into thinking he loves her ( Note: exceptionally predictable dialogue follows ( vaguely translated into English )
Deepika : You love me !! I am sorry that I didn’t trust you!!
Arjun: You should be sorry that you trusted me !! I am now going to burn you along with this film set!!
Deepika : Nahiiiiiii ( nooooo !!!!) Nahhhhhhhhhiiii !!


This, unfortunately is not a lift from a B-grade gangster movie but the nail-biting suspense which leads us to a much-required interval. Yaaay ! Atleast I have popcorn to keep me company through the rest of the movie! Also, I made the mistake of thinking.. the movie cudn’t get worse, so it would definitely get better !!

Post interval – Cut to 30 years after !


Om Makeja is reborn as superstar ( Om Kapoor) ! Well obviously Shah Rukh is Om Kapoor and the fact that he has the same face as the junior artist who died so many years ago and absolutely no resemblance whatsoever to his father-and mother .. well !! noone bats an eyelid ! What bothered me the most about he second half was Shah Rukh’s cool act! We have seen enough of it ! It was refreshing in DDLJ, it was passable in Kuch Kuch Hota Hain but it is just done to death now !! Pleaseeeeeeee…….. We don’t want to hear more of your fake accent and the swagger just doesn’t suit you at 45+!!

Of course, since SRK is reborn… Deepika is rebon too as “sandy” , a model from banglore ( yaaaaaaaaaay .. sooooo original Farah .. how did you zone on B’lore?)
The rest of the story is about how Om (the reborn one) and Sandy ( who looks exactly like Deepika but has absolutely no relation what so ever to her ! ) get back at Arjun Rampal for killing them!! Sigh!!

This wafer thin story-line is peppered with numerous star-appearance ( I am sure all those stars are thinking their lucky stars , that their involvement with the film was limited to a special appearance) and well more unbelievable stunts !! There are a few moments which are funny , Esp. SRK’s bit as Mohabatman and the mock Filmfare award ceremony but certainly nothing which can make the tortuous 1 hr 18 minute second half more bearable.

You wait till the end for the movie to get sensible, but well.. There is a twist ! The third Deeepika!! I am not going to tell you who that is, so that you can hope for something more original than what occurs… but you will be disappointed!!

As for the music!! Well the pick of the lot - Ajab Si is reduced to something of a background score and Dard-E-Disco makes absolutely no impact whatsoever, unless you fancy old men jumping around with half-naked women dressed in fur and leather!!

On the whole, I would say this is definitely a movie I would send my pesky little sister to, so that she can pay for sins, or better still send a couple of tickets to an ex who you can’t stand. A sure way to make them pay for their sins ..

The song

Nostalgia!

At the beginning with you

At The Beginning

For all those who matter, you know what I am tlaking about, who I am talking about and what I am saying ..Shit! I miss you guys ...

P.S Highlighted all our favoutire lines :)


We were strangers starting out on our journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you


No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
When I lost hope
you were there to remind me
This is the start

(chorus)And Life is a road
and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there whenthe storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you


We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

(chorus)I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
I know that my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart


(chorus)In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you

10 NRI habits which PISS ME OFF !

10) Complain about the incessant heat!

After 3 months in the US, you come to India for 3 days and suddenly you can’t deal with the temperature? You friggin lived here for the first 25 years of your life!! Remember?
What is even more pissing off, is that the provincial gulf-returns, from Qwait, Dubai Muscat who complain about the heat? Yeah sure, it’s snowing there in the dessert?

9) The act of surprise!!
Oh wow, you actually get Coke in India? You have a Marks and Spencers? There is KFC here!! Man!! This place has really changed!!

No we are still 350 years behind, we are the land of snake-charmers and elephants , remember ?


8) Their constant need for mineral water!

Believe me, you don’t have to start every sentence with “ Is this water boiled?” remember the times in school and college where u ate off a pushcart, a la’ Kaiyandhi Bhavan? And contrary to your belief, we Indians do not have a penchant for contracting deadly diseases and so (surprise!) we try and drink water, which is safe!


7) The dismay at power-cuts!! Friggin India.. Still so backward!!

Yeah we do have power-cuts, so what now? At least we have safe neighborhoods, which is more than what I can say about your countries! And yeah just for your information, we don’t particularly love power-cuts and black-outs either, and believe me ..it is really not as bad as it was 5 years ago, so just shut up !

6) Their universal proclamation : Indian politics is all shit….. ugh!

You are living in the country where Bush is serving a second term and Arnold Schwarzenegger is a governor!! Really … you shouldn’t be talking!!


5) Their really mixed-up, annoying fashion sense

Yes I understand that you just discovered banana republic and GAP but no I do not understand how you could possibly think that wearing a $100 T-shirt with bright red shorts and teaming it rubber chappals from BATA is ‘cool’!



4) Sudden love towards ‘spiritual enlightenment’

We all know that you are not spiritual, who uou trying to fool now ? You never ever learnt Yoga the figgin 25 years you stayed and it’s not like you religiously hit the temple everyday either ..and suddenly you become foren-return and start preaching bout the benefits of Osho, Ravi Shankar, Yoga and want to make a trip to half a dozen temples to study spiritualism ..



3) The fact that they come back to India looking for a wife

If you so want an American life.. then why not an American wife ?? You have all the fun in the world and then unfailingly come back every year because you want a nice, obedient and yeah HOMELY ( wht the hell does that mean ? )Indian woman!! And then complain about her not being broad-minded and open and bla!! I mean make up your mind .. you want homely or non-homely .. ugh .. whatever !!


2) Health food fad !

Is this low-fat? Is that low-cal ? for heaven’s sake you spent 25 years gorging on oily parathas and eating rasam-sadham dripping with ghee and lapped it all up quite well!


1) THEIR STUPID FAKE ACCENT!
I don’t understand this … you send 25 years In India without acquiring an “indian accent” but you pick up an American accent in just 15 days !! Whats worse is the rare breed of people who pick up Brit-accents after staying in the US , American accents in Dubai ( shouldn’t you be picking up a mallu accent then) and yeah the Whooper … Brit accents after short 2-days official tours to the UK !


Note: the author ( yours truly) doesn’t have anything against NRIs and I really don’t think all of them are that bad, but please if you have made more than 3 out the top 10 listed statements at least 25 + times during your 3-day visit to India, Time to go drown your head in a bucket of cold water :) ( Eeeerrrr.. m not saying what I really wanted to say .. but well ! )

10 ways to figure out you have become FAT

10 ways to figure out you are FAT

10) People begin to refer to you as a well ‘normal-size’ as opposed to the previous ‘skinny’ and ‘slim’.

9) Despite sucking your breath in, you still can’t pull your 26-inch levis above your thighs.

8) You prefer ‘smart Indo-western’ wear to the usual ‘jeans and t-shirts’.

7) Fat people say things like “ Lets hit the gym together” or “We should really get into shape”

6) You religiously swap to “DIET COKE” – like it is going to make a difference!

5) You turn your nose up at skinny jeans and leggings even though they are in vogue , because you think – “they look silly”

4) You spend a bomb on a body-sculpting corset and then don’t wear it because it gets uncomfortably tight after lunch.

3) You stop looking into the mirror as often as you used to.

2) You look at old pictures and exclaim loudly “ I was so skinny” , you also stare at other slim women and classify them as ‘anorexic’

1) YOUR GRANDMOTHER FINALLY BEGINS TO APPROVE OF YOUR SIZE AND SAYS – AH! NOW YOU LOOK NICE! ( A sure sign of loads of extra flab)


If you experience even five of the above ten symptoms, it’s well.. Time to hit the gym!

Kaavya Krishna

What I learnt from Sivaji!

As a person I have two primary passions : education and cinema !Taking this into consideration , it is really no surprise that my proposed career goal is making cinema a medium of education . All that said , obviously June 15th drew in for me with much excitement , it was the world-wide premiere of Sivaji and being an adrant “Thalaivar” fan I had the privilege of catching the movie.

Well , it being a rajni movie would have definitely been reason enough for mje to go and watch it but it being a “rajni movie which throws light” on education really drew me to watch it. I was fascinated , cheered , whistled and had a great time and Sivaji went back to the back my mind and another issue cropped up .

Why did the Ambanis start an International school and not a free education center?

Today as an very proud Indian, I can tell you one thing – there is only one future for this country and that involves education at the grass-root level, it is only when we all are educated , can read-write and comprehend what is happening around us that we can stop blindly taking shit from a disgusting governance and nod our heads in dismay as we see 30% of our earnings being squandered away to the pockets of our politicians.

For me it would be a very simple idea, if the government does not want to privatize the running of government schools then why can’t corporate open free schools of their own? If they can do it for their staff and employees, then why not for the poor?
Can the Ambanis not afford to open a free school? Or is it that they needed ANOTHER moneymaking venture?? Kinda hard to believe that it is the latter don’t you think?

Coming to think of it, makes a lot of sense, the whole picture after you see Sivaji, maybe Thalaivar’s movies are not just candy-floss, as for the Ambanis .. Shankar are you listening ? Think we just found the subject for your nest movie!